2007 - May

[El Gordo]

It's hard to do justice to either of those excellent posts.

Yes, choice.... the trouble is, although we're always being told that we have choice, that's it's simply up to us whether we stay on that train or get off, I've never been convinced that it's that easy. Or not that easy for non-nutters like you and me (he said, controversially). One wants to be, y'know, normalish. We want, in short, to have our cake and eat it. We want to be matey and joke about getting drunk with the lads and wolfing down curries and chocoate, while at the same time having those tuned-in periods when we run and write noble stuff about challenges and achievement. It's that oscillation that's so wearing, and which prevents us from fulfilling our potential. Uugh. Did I really just say that? Gulp, I did. But it's the way my mind is wandering -- for all sorts of reasons.

But anyway, it makes the exercising of choice all the harder. We say we have choice, but then we go and load the dice against ourselves.

It's all about sex and drugs and rock'n'roll. All my brain and body need. I've always loved that song, and the sentiment, though as you get older, there's a temptation to be sniffy about it. I thought about it recently and decided that no, it's still true as you age, but it's just that your "sex and drugs and rock'n'roll" aren't always so literal. It was when I was doing the Copenhagen Marathon that I realised: "running is acid for grown-ups".

This is the way I can deal with goody-goody stuff about potential and achievement. Running gives you a great buzz. Feeling healthy, "being a good animal", is actually one of the most 'far-out' things you can do. But I've only ever taken it so far, and I'm curious about, y'know, the harder stuff....

I've always pushed myself to my limits, it's just that my limits fall far short of where they could be. I suspect I hurt during a race just as much as anyone else, yet I still finish at the back. I want to know what it's like to be a better animal, and to be a better athlete, and the only way I can do this is by changing my lifestyle again, taking it a step further.

I've always had that choice, but sort of convinced myself that I didn't really, because it seemed to hard to select a certain path. But then I saw that it wasn't hard at all. It's a liberation, not a constraint. Lose the fear of failure, and everything's OK.

The good news is that I won't be giving up alcohol and junk food, but I've made a few... management changes. From now on, they report to me, and not the other way around.

Anyway, I did a race this morning, and need to go off and write about it.

Thanks for the posts. Great stuff.