March Or Die

[Sweder]

An ill-advised outing today. Keen to test out my brand spanking new Adidas Terrex all-terrain boots, I set the alarm for silly o'clock. A cloud bank to make RBS look like a corner shop was rolling away to the east, leaving the sky clear and the ground soggy as a soiled nappy. So, out the door I went.

A mile in I knew I'd messed up. Not only was the topsoil as loose as Phil Jones's marking, my body was sending strange signals. late in the day I realised I'd been harbouring some foul germs, but with the sun struggling into the sky and dogs to chase I slip-slid on.

Running through the woodland, hurdling giant roots, ducking homicidal branches and trying not to go arse over tit, I felt like a contestant in the BBC's new Prime Time Saturday Night game-show, The Getaway Car. In a strange mash-up between Top Gear (the finale even features The Stig) and It's A Knockout, couples drive small cars over impossible obstacle courses. Inevitably they crash, causing much mirth and leg-pulling by the show's genial host, Dermot O'Leary. In my pre-man-Flu funk, though, all I could hear in my head as I cavorted around the latest set of lethal obstacles, was the maniacal cackle of IAK host, doyenne the BBC's Sports Report and, most recently, convicted paedophile, Stuart Hall.

I did my best to stay upright, cursing myself for not being more careful with my pre-flight checks. My breathing was shallow and fragile, lungs ready to burst into a painful, hacking cough at any moment. My bones ached (they ache still, several hours afterwards and in spite of a fabulously hot shower). It was cold, the ground was more slippery than Donald Trump on a polygraph and I wanted it all to just stop.

I pulled into my driveway a shaking shell of a man. I also found out that my shiny new boots are not waterproof. What use is a porous trail shoe? Not that it matters, I'm used to copping a boot-full on these outings. But still, come on, Adidas, sort yourselves out. These things ain't cheap, y'know.

Thanks goodness it's the 4th Annual Lewes FC Beer Festival tonight. At last, a chance to drown these germs once and for all.