I need a toe job!

[Mid Life Crisis Marathon Man]

Welcome plodder. Big toe amputation is not recommended on account of the embarrassment it will cause you in the change rooms.

The solution is to switch from hockey - a harsh, callous and especially cruel sport - to cricket, a highly respected past-time which will only improve your big toe fitness.

Unless you are Australian of course, in which case we encourage you to keep playing hockey, as we happen to be very good at it. Mind you, we're also very good manufacturers of big toe prosthetics.

If you don't have access to good prosthetics, a small lump of glaziers putty may be substituted. Be aware however that it may make your socks smell. If you must go down the amputation road, I suggest a no.7 surgical saw and some of that rather excellent anaesthetising Alsace Riesling that Andy keeps stashed for such occasions.

Best of luck.