Oktober

[Sweder]

Finally got around to booking that deep muscle massage I've been hearing about from my fellow downlanders. I rang Nikki - herself a keen runner, a recent finisher of the London to Brighton epic - and suggested I might see her before my scheduled Thursday plod. She laughed, then sighed.
'Not a good idea' she ventured. 'How's that hamstring?'
The memory of intruding fingers of hardened steel reared its ugly head. Nikki had treated my damaged hammies before Brighton, Reading and London last year. She'd worked wonders in no time, but I realised now that Thursday's session is likely to hurt me more than it hurts her.

It has to be done though. On my 'honey-do' list this weekend was, apart from clearing enough leaves to house the entire hedgehog population of South East England, the replacement of the bulbs in our 'festive' outdoor tree lights. As all good clipboard-weilding HSE officionados will tell you it's best to deploy the correct equipment when attempting to reach the slender upper branches of rain-slicked garden foliage. Alas, t'was a Sunday and my call to the council helpline went unanswered. So it was that I found myself some several feet above the end of the extended yet still inadequate ladder, perched precariously in the upper 'v' of the trunk of a medium-sized Silver Birch, packets of light-bulbs stuffed into the pockets of my baggiest shorts, when gravity joined forces with slippery fate and I lost my footing.

In that time-honoured Wyle E Coyote fashion I hung in mid-air for a nanosecond before starting the inevitable journey downwards. Instinctively I threw out my arms. If only I'd been that bloke from the Fantastic Four I might have made it. Sadly it was rather more Keith Richards than Reed Richards and only the most fortuitous wedging of my shoulders prevented a similar fate to that which befell the wizened rocker.

I can hardly claim to have escaped unscathed. I badly wrenched my neck and shoulder muscles, giving me plenty to moan about today as my long-suffering work colleagues will testify. The lovely Nicola - very possibly related to the Evil Rebecca - will have plenty to work on.
Still, the lights look nice.