Ashes 4th Test

[Sweder]

At last our cunning plan is revealed; to remove any prospect of a sporting contest and so thwart the fee-paying Australian public. Bravo Freddie and Co, a masterplan perfectly executed.

It's hard to assess if Australia have been awesome or England woeful. I suspect the answer lies in between, perhaps edging towards the Green and Gold for what has been a spectacularly collaborative effort. Similarly England's boys have huddled together . . . apparently in the dark recesses of the dressing room as their Mastermind Dunkin Dunc 'Fletch' Fletcher scours the room for the only hand-writted copy of his own Final Solution for the Aussie batsmen.

The true sadness is there is nothing left to look forward to in Sydney.
As you say the Barmy Army seem to have balanced raucous support with respect and tact, enhancing the spectacle much to the chagrin of the mean administrators who managed to thwart their efforts in the first two tests.

Listening to the missives filed by Messrs Agnew, Pougach et al each morning I sense a strange sort of de-mob madness begining to blossom amongst the BBC team. It can only be a matter of days before one of these esteemed broadcasters takes up the mic 'three sheets' to regale us with a brutally honest, spittle-flecked appraisal of the most dissappointing sporting event since Colin Moynaham tried to toss the caber at the Highland Games. Equally there is more than a tinge of regret in the voice of that great Antipodean commentator Jim Maxwell. I'm sure Gentleman Jim is revelling in the dominance of the home team, but like many of us would have preferred a contest.

Hey ho and on we go. At least here in jolly old England we have the sight of a squirming Chelsea manager to warm our cockles. John Terry under the knife, 'Sheva' unable to locate a bovine posterior with an acoustic guitar and the sight of Lord Ferg dancing red-nosed in the snow. Heh heh.