Caution: Product Recall

[Sweder]

Trading Standard Officers have ordered the urgent recall of a defective product found to be faulty and dangerous.

Over the Christmas and New Year period, tests showed that components in the product "Chelsea FC" might fall apart when placed under the smallest amount of pressure. Consumers first experienced problems last year, when it was noted the product failed to work properly in Europe. Complaints were made about it malfunctioning and then emitting a continuous whining noise - usually in Portuguese.

At the time the complaints were ignored. But when the product started falling apart in Britain over Christmas, the Trading Standards Authority took action. A spokesman warned:
"We particularly want to stress to parents that, with Chelsea FC, there is a genuine risk of choking that may end in tears come May."

Despite assurances from the company behind the product that action was taken to correct the faulty parts, including abandoning the use of the highly unpredictable and sub-standard Huth and Del Horno components malfunctions have continued.

Consumers have been urged to check the small print carefully for the words "this product may contain traces of
Shevchenko". If that is the case buyers of the product are urged to put it back in the box (as this is one place it will cause no damage). "Shevchenko" has been known to cause a severe allergic reaction in many consumers, causing them to suffer a bizarre form of tourettes, shouting involuntarily "For f**k's sake bring back Carlton Cole."

[SIZE="1"]Yeah, I know they'll probably run off with the lot . . . still, made me smile for a bit[/SIZE]

[El Gordo]

[Sharp intake of breath]

Funny yes, but you know what's going to happen now, don't you?



If Chelsea don't now reduce the 6 point deficit this weekend, I'll give £20 to the JDRF. If they do, I'll remind you in the bullfighting bar in Almeria, and you can do the decent thing. It will be
A-L-L
Y-O-U-R
F-A-U-L-T.
:mad:

[Sweder]

I know, I know . . .
I just couldn't help it.

Andy, you and I understand the way football works.
Morinho's having a nightmare, Sheva can't hit a cow's arse with a banjo, Lord Ferg is riding high, Ronaldo (the one still playing football) is walking on water . . .

. . . it'll be a nasty, lucky 0 - 1 at Anfield (Drogba pen after the Russian donkey trips over a wayward Crouch limb in the 89th minute) and a handsome 3 - 1 at the Emirates, Thierry dedicating his hat-trick to his old friend Roy Keane and expressing sincere regret at the Stepover King's unfortunate twisted testicle injury.

I'll not sleep 'till Sunday night now :mad:
I'll take myself out for an ugly, wind-blown, soul-drenching roadside eight miler right now.

[Sweder]

There, that's better.
I was wondering about Lord Ferg's profligate pursuit of young Hargreaves. Surely a man of Sir Alex's pedigree must realise that the Grand Old Dame of Bayern will smell desperation and whack up the asking price?

What can the usually canny old Glaswegian be thinking?
Perhaps he's eager to splash an obscene amount of cash, even though he doesn't really need to, just to . . . no, surely not?

20 million quid just to rub a little salt into The Special One's wounds?
Almost seems worth it . . .

[El Gordo]

I'll not sleep 'till Sunday night now :mad:

Don't be too hard on yourself, mate. We all make these mistakes....

It's just that, with all my spare digits crossed for so long, I can't afford any lack of discipline in the ranks.

You know it makes sense.

[El Gordo]

I was wondering about Lord Ferg's profligate pursuit of young Hargreaves.

Ah, only just read that.

Let's establish a couple of stone cold facts.

1) Hargreaves is a very decent footballer.

2) £20m? Yer 'avin' a larf.

I despair. My own club has been on the cusp of extinction for nearly a decade now because....
....but why should anyone care? Let's face it, I don't really care about Oxford Utd or Barnet, or Thatcham FC, so why should ManU or Abramovitch care about QPR or Leeds Utd?

No reason at all

[Sweder]

20 million is a hoot for Hargreaves . . . unless you just paid 18 million for Michael bloody Carrick :mad: Hargreaves is an infinitely better player in that holding role and by that rationale is worth the money. If this all looks like extreme gluttony just look across to the Galaxy for the real meaning of monetary madness.

Oddly (and I'm quite prepared for a hail of mercury-tipped bullets ) I think Lord Ferg does care about football in the wider sense. Sure he's all about personal glory these days, but he hasn't quite managed to shake off his working class roots. The word on the street is he's pretty decent to young managers and is instrumental in the MU Rowdies continuing to play benefit matches for local sides.

Oh, alright - he's Beelzebub.
My name is Sweder and I worship Satan. And Guinness.

The Glazers? Doubt they'd know much about QPR or Oxford - unless of course they knew Robert Maxwell Oops, can's open, worms all over the place All hands on deck for Cap'n Bob . . .

Abramovich?
I still cling to the barest splinter of hope that the Russian authorities (come the revolution) will unearth the truth behind Roman's rise. When he's up against the wall it'll be interesting to see those bloody horrible blue shirts marked with 'Darren' and 'Terry' disappear just as quickly as they sprang up.

[El Gordo]

20 million is a hoot for Hargreaves . . . unless you just paid 18 million for Michael bloody Carrick :mad: Hargreaves is an infinitely better player in that holding role and by that rationale is worth the money. If this all looks like extreme gluttony just look across to the Galaxy for the real meaning of monetary madness.

Oddly (and I'm quite prepared for a hail of mercury-tipped bullets ) I think Lord Ferg does care about football in the wider sense. Sure he's all about personal glory these days, but he hasn't quite managed to shake off his working class roots. The word on the street is he's pretty decent to young managers and is instrumental in the MU Rowdies continuing to play benefit matches for local sides.

Oh, alright - he's Beelzebub.
My name is Sweder and I worship Satan. And Guinness.

The Glazers? Doubt they'd know much about QPR or Oxford - unless of course they knew Robert Maxwell Oops, can's open, worms all over the place All hands on deck for Cap'n Bob . . .

Abramovich?
I still cling to the barest splinter of hope that the Russian authorities (come the revolution) will unearth the truth behind Roman's rise. When he's up against the wall it'll be interesting to see those bloody horrible blue shirts marked with 'Darren' and 'Terry' disappear just as quickly as they sprang up.

No one could seriously doubt Ferguson's football nous or coaching talent. And most of us can relate to the stories of his upbringing and his (current) allegedly ascetic suburban Manchester lifestyle. (Who told me that? Was it SW in the restaurant before the FLM? Or was it that Manc cabbie last time I was up there who claimed to have been at school with Duncan Edwards? Can't recall.)

He can spot talent but his valuations can be a bit wacky. Wasn't it £28m for Veron?

[El Gordo]

A side-issue, but I just read on the BBC website that Beckham wll be earning 500 times more than the average LA Galaxy player.

[Sweder]

Stranger things have happened than Beckham succeeding where the likes of Pelé tried and failed. However the rumblings out of LA indicate a level of rancour that threatens to eclipse the charming Ms Goody (I wish somebody bloody well would).

The money makes no sense to me, but I do wish Beckham well.
He's gone a long way with limited talent and a lot of hard work, ruthlessly exposed recently with England and Real Madrid as a fading force. A lot of people scratched their heads when Lord Ferg took 25 million pieces of silver for the Boy David; not I. Fergie's vision may get blurred when his Masters' millions burn a hole in his tracksuit pocket, but he certainly knows when the guild is off the lilly.

Veron was admittedly a stunning blunder, along with the less-heralded (and less costly) Eric Djemba Djemba (still rattling around on the periphery of English football). He never looked remotely likea United player, whereas Veron flattered to deceive, doing just enough to linger on, giving the balanced OT faithful time to construct their effigies and a portable scaffold. Good old Chelsea still took Seba on; at least he was performing when the Rowdies got suckered; by the time he packed his bags for the Bridge he was about as useful as Mrs Shevchenko.

There's a two-pinter* in this, discussing Fergies' best (and most horrendous) buys - a 'colourful' record in the transfer market is one advantage of managerial longevity. Never easy to pick out a winning purchase when so much talent to emerge under that puce edifice was home-grown. Many plump for Schmeichel and he was certainly a snip considering his contribution, not least in '99. For me the number one will always be Eric; a million from Leeds, and in its way very much a 'Veron to Chelsea' scenario. We all knew Cantona was trouble, yet he'd helped the Yorkshire Yobbos nick the League. It was an audacious gamble, the dice famously rolled when Martin Edwards was in mid-call with his oppo accross the Pennines. Fergie scrawled 'Cantona?' on a piece of paper initiating the first contractions in a bloody yet ultimately glorious birth. The only sadness for me was his failure to perform in Europe, albeit his best years coincided with the punitive 'foreign player' rule that hit United harder than their continental counterparts.

Then there's that issue. I work with a Palace fan who spits feathers whenever he hears so much as a gratuitous Clouseau accent. History has a warped lense. Cantona didn't machine-gun row after row of innocent Eagles supporters; he assaulted a thug who had repeatedly racially abused his dear old Ma; I doubt many of us would have walked away from that one. I was interested to note the very different reactions to a recent repeat of French outrage (admittedly on the pitch) when instead of an eight months ban Zidane followed his violent conduct by walking off with a FIFA award. As shocking and heinous as Cantona's ungainly leap into the Sellhurst Park crowd was, it was also very, very funny. What I remember most vividly from that episode was not the crime, nor the punishment, but the day of rehabilitation when the mercurial Frenchman slid home a penalty against the Enemy and celebrated by leaping into the crowd . . . and swinging around a pole before joining his jubilant team-mates.

West Ham had their own Euro-Looney Genius in Paulo Di Cannio. It looks like we'll not see their like again, at least for a while. Shame really, unless The Son of Roman dons a large red nose and a curly wig for his next outing.

There; it's nailed on.
Shevchenko to bag the opener tomorrow lunchtime

[SIZE="1"]* A conversation that lasts the span of two pints. Four if SP's in the equation [/SIZE]

[El Gordo]

Good post, Sweder.

I'd love to respond (not that I disagree with much of it) but it's 02:15, and I must abed.

Just briefly, the Cantona/Palace incident is unforgettable to me. The radio commentary was the backdrop to an extended... 'situation' I was in. I've never forgotten it. Will explain sometime no doubt.

[Sweder]

The radio commentary was the backdrop to an extended... 'situation' I was in. I've never forgotten it. Will explain sometime no doubt.

Aprés Medio, no doubt

[Sweder]

Shevchenko to bag the opener tomorrow lunchtime

The Special One must've logged on this morning; he's left Boris on the bench.
I've always liked our friends from Holland Dirk looks sharp as a tack.
Still feels weird cheering on Liverpool . . .

[El Gordo]

Half time:
I posted a message after 18 mins, then deleted it. Tempting fate, I thought. But what the hell.

Yeah, Kuyt is looking good, and Alonso. Don't feel bad cheering on the Pool, I've had to get used to celebrating ManU victories. Unfamiliar territory, like attending BNP meetings or something I guess. But it's all aimed at the greater good, so keep your resolve. Of the 'Big 4' Arsenal are my poison of choice, so tomorrow I'll have the double weirdness of wanting them to lose at home to United.

Anyway, let's hope we're feeling this cheery in an hour from now.

On a different subject, watched Murray win against Chela (sp?) earlier. Fist time I've watched him in a long time. Very very impressed. This really could be the Wimbledon champion that Henman never quite seemed likely to be. 19 years old. Caramba.

[Sweder]

I watched the comfortably impressive Murray for a while - frankly it never looked like being a contest.

Much like the football today. What happened to Chelsea? And in the words of the incomporable Barry Davis, who cares? I feel we, OK, I, may have been a little harsh on Shevchenko; he's looking pretty useful compared to Michael Ballack. Morinho must have dropped one of his many mirrors on a black cat under a ladder before he signed that pair. One other thing. Liverpool are not out of the running just yet - they look horribly relaxed and very solid at the back. Their 'big' games are at Anfield from here on in, a stadium looking more like a fortress (at least in the premiership). With no domestic cup distractions the 'fat Spanish waiter' may yet serve up the very finest desert to the ravenous Kop.

I heard a funny story this morning. Sly Stallone attended the Everton game last weekend (one of his show biz pals just joined the board). During the pre-game tour he told Empressario and Toffee lifer Bill Kenwright that he'd love to see all the cups and trophies.
'Sure Sly, but it'll take about twenty minutes.'
'Wow, you got that many?'
'No, it takes that long to get to Anfield.'

Back to Murray, don't miss round four - Nadal awaits. Just mention of his name conjours images of a gleaming gladiator, steam billowing from his nostrils. If Murray walks away from that one without dropping a set they can hand him the trophy.