Plagiarists Corner

[Sweder]

An Argentinian teenager is suing a River Plate-supporting tattooist who inked a big phallus on his back instead of the Boca Juniors logo he asked for.

"I could not see what he was tattooing because he didn't have a mirror.
I only saw it when I got home and showed it to my parents," sobbed the unfortunate young man.

[SIZE="1"]Guardian Fiver, Tuesday 24th January 2007[/SIZE]

[Sweder]

West Ham's plans to move to London's Olympic stadium may have to be reconsidered after it was revealed its capacity may be reduced to 25,000 after 2012. Tory pin-up Lord Coe said today: "At Games time the stadium will hold 80,000. But afterwards it will have 25,000 seats."

Which doesn't sound too bad an attendance for a Championship game.

[SIZE="1"]Guardian Fiver, Thursday 1st February 2007[/SIZE]

[Sweder]

"It was not a question of money," added Hicks, before his partner stuck some sand in the Vaseline by hinting that it was. "If the naming rights are worth one great player a year in transfer spending, we will certainly look at that as a serious option," declared Gillett, conjuring up images of Peter Crouch ducking to avoid a "THIS IS FUJI McDONALD'S MASTERCARD BRITANNIA ADELPHI PIZZA HUT PARK" sign on his way up the tunnel.

But while message boards will be humming with saccharine-sweet tub-thumping about how "it will always be Anfield in our hearts", there is some continuity for fans of the new-look Merseyside Redskins to cling to. Chief executive Rick Parry will continue to run the club, chairman David Moores will become honorary life president and they still won't have won a league title
for 17 years.

[SIZE="1"]extract from The Fiver, Tuesday 6th February 2007[/SIZE]

[El Gordo]

Heard on Five Live this evening re the mass culling in Norfolk: "The turkeys must have thought that Christmas had come early..."

[Sweder]

I wondered at the nature of this thread when I strated it. Now I know it was all for today. Thanks to Patrick Kidd in today's Times for this cockle-warming piece.

There is something about Australia bowlers turning 37 that makes their compatriots want to pelt them with cricket balls . . .

. . . Being hit on the side of his head by a return throw from Brad Hodge was not the present McGrath would have wanted on his 37th birthday, but it was not the lowest point of a day filled with more troughs than a pig farm.

When Australia were 170 for one, he probably did not expect to have to bat, but McGrath was the final man to fall, surviving one ball before Andrew Flintoff shattered his stumps.

MsGraths bowling was also poor. He started well, conceding eight runs off his first three overs, but his fifth went for 12, including a straight-hit six by Paul Collingwood.

The constant chuntering to himself that began when (McGrath) dropped Bell (then on 18 - England would have been 33 for four and in desperate trouble)and accelerated when the return throw from Hodge hit him became even more animated as the innings wore on.

He moaned when Collingwood took a single off a deflection . . . then gave a huge, Eeyore-like sigh when a good shout for leg before against Paul Nixon was turned down. On a day such as that it is a wonder that McGrath did not suffer a severe paper cut opening his birthday cards.

Now, England may very well not win another match in this series, or this year come to that.
Personally I couldn't give a monkeys now

[marathondan]

Probably old, but genuinely good, assuming they're really off the cuff.

on Wayne Rooney...
"It's an incredible rise to stardom; at 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.

Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?"
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today.

Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. So I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick - down negative man, down.

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.

Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?
Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself!

[El Gordo]

Heard 'em all before, but they're always worth re-reading.

[Sweder]

Just heard something on Five Live's Fighting Talk, hosted by the diminitive yet alarmingly ubiquitous Colin Murray, that I needed to share.

'Watching John Barnes trying to read the autocue (on channel Five) is a bit like watching a hostage reading a prepared statement on Al Jazeera.'

[El Gordo]

Can't remember whether I mentioned this before but a very nice image I heard somewhere a few months ago.... that during a game, (Luton manager) Mike Newell "looks like James Bond waiting at a bus stop".

This may not resonate with those who've not seen the insouciant fellow in, er, 'action'. But I thought it was a perfect description.

[Sweder]

REINA: "I WUZ ROBBED"

Shock news emerged at lunch-time that only one Liverpool player's house was burgled during last night's Big Cup semi-final second leg at Anfield. As the expensively assembled teams of Liverpool and Chelsea put on the kind of football horror show eerily reminiscent of Watford v Wimbledon circa 1988, crafty thieves were stealing jewellery, a home entertainment system and personal documents from the unfortunate Jose Reina's home in Woolton ... south Liverpool, before speeding off in his Porsche Cayenne, which was later found burnt out in West Derby ... north Liverpool.

Of course the Fiver's not about to resort to cheap regional stereotypes and suggest that it was Scousers that were responsible for this heist, especially when it has more important security concerns to write about. To wit: Liverpool chief executive Rick Parry's worry that the possible presence of thousands of drunken, ticketless MU Rowdies and Liverpool fans in Athens on Big Cup final night may result in all sorts of trouble - the least of which will be the ransacking of 22 empty mock Tudor mansions back home.

"When Clive Tyldesley said those Liverpool fans will find a way to get to Athens somehow, do you think he imagined it being in Pepe Reina's Porsche Cayenne?" Ian Rands.

"It's Athens I feel sorry for. Just imagine the scene: loads of Scousers running around the Acropolis shouting 'Call that history?'" Steve Greenwood.


[SIZE="1"]The Fiver, 2nd May 2007[/SIZE]

[Sweder]

After reviving Parma's fortunes, Claudio Ranieri is tinkering with the idea of returning to England. "England has fantastic atmosphere, great football, great fans," grinned the Ranieri, who clearly doesn't realise he's being linked with Fulham.

[SIZE="1"]The Fiver, 2nd May 2007[/SIZE]

[Seafront Plodder]

It has been alleged that Frank Lampard has been arrested in connection with the burglary at Pepe Reina's house.

A spokesman for Chelsea FC said that unfortunately Mr Lampard is unable to prove his whereabouts between 7:45 and 10:00 pm last night.

[El Gordo]

Heard on Radio Four yesterday:

- I'll start the cooking. Have you seen the mange-tout?

- Nah, I haven't been to the cinema in ages.

[Mid Life Crisis Marathon Man]

Heard on Radio Four yesterday:

- I'll start the cooking. Have you seen the mange-tout?

- Nah, I haven't been to the cinema in ages.

Call me ignorant, but I had to look this one up. I'd have thought it was a film too .

[Seafront Plodder]

Reminds me of the time I went out for a meal with some work colleagues. We went to a fairly decent restaurant, and when the veggies came to the table one of the girls declared "Yuk I can't stand those pea-pods".

[Sweder]

when the veggies came to the table one of the girls declared "Yuk I can't stand those pea-pods".

I seem to recall Donald Sutherland saying something similar . . .
Oh, no, hang on a minute . . .

[El Gordo]

Call me ignorant, but I had to look this one up. I'd have thought it was a film too .

Not ignorance in the usual sense, just a cultural difference. Even within Europe there's a lot of variety in availability of fruit and veg.

[Climbs on soapbox...]

The Brits are constantly criticised for their food but we have more variety here than anywhere I've been. Countries with more recognisable cuisines and wine industries are pitifully chauvinistic. In Siciy, it's almost impossible to buy a bottle of wine not made on the island (with the exception of Champagne). And although eating out was a pleasure, there was little variety from one place to the next. It's good to get home for a full range of fruit and veg again -- and the possibility of a curry.

[Sweder]

"It seems that, like many Fiver readers, Second-Choice Steve has also been watching Top Gun. Alas he seems to have paid too much attention to Maverick's advice. Hitting the brakes and letting the Russians fly past only works if you have sidewinders equipped. England clearly don't"

[SIZE="1"]Brian Burke, The Fiver 18-10-07[/SIZE]

[Sweder]

It Shouldn't Happen To A Scotsman Dept.
Alan Hansen has been accused of billing a TV crew for gas used after he was interviewed in front of the lit fireplace of his well-appointed Merseyside residence.

"He asked if he should put the fire on to make it look more homely and the producer agreed it was a good idea," a source told the Sun.
"They never expected a request for a top-up fee for his domestic expenses."

[SIZE="1"]Courtesy of today's Fiver[/SIZE]

[Seafront Plodder]

I was reminded of that great quote from Ian Wright, when talking about Tony Adam's decision to go public on his alcoholism...

It must have taken a lot of bottle for him to do that.

Priceless...