I bought an iPad a few weeks ago: my first ever bite of Apple merchandise.
Is it true that Apple has a person, or perhaps a department — heck, let’s make it an entire business unit, one should believe everything one hears about Apple — devoted solely to enhancing the experience of removing the cellophane on the iPad box? I hope so, because I thought of her/him/it a few minutes ago as I… removed the cellophane on the iPad box, deciding as I did so that they hadn’t earned their corn.
There was a small tear on the plastic in one corner for a start, which distressed me. Unless. Unless the tear is programmed into the wrapping process, giving the trembley-fingered opener an easy way in, thereby reducing the frustration of dealing with modern packaging, and minimising the risk of complaint, with all its associated costs.
I was now left with a substantial white brick; pleasantly minimalistic and understated. I begin to feel the familiar loin-throb. Anticipatory new-gadget spittle is squelching around between the gaps in my remaining teeth.
With Brian Eno’s ethereal Music For Airports flooding through my imagination, I wiggle the lid a little. Nothing happens. Another wiggle. More nothing. I continue to hold and wiggle, until the box appreciates the gravity of the situation, and begins its movement towards the centre of the Earth. Tantalising. A millimetre per second. Eventually, it kicks free, Now we’re motoring. With a silent whoop, the box is now plunging towards the fiery core of the planet at uncontrollably high velocity. Incredible! Only one thing stands between the box and, er, that fiery core of the planet — my IKEA kitchen table.
I’m glad about that, or it would have been a bloody big waste of money.
The box is open, but what have we here? A black mirror? For a second or two it’s some sort of game, and I’m stuck. What now? Gah!
But wait! I’ve spotted something! A plastic tab! It’s like suddenly spotting a lever or small door, semi-hidden in the foliage. I pull this lever, upwards, and lo! An iPad appears!
It’s thin and elegant. I will name it after my wife — just in case she is reading.
Her reading is one of my bolt-upright, 4 a.m., piston-hearted, icy-forehead nightmares.
Domestic credits safely banked, I note the three compartments. Two have small plug-like items. the third contains a packet — itself rather enticing…. and underneath the packet, some wire. I clip the two widgets together. They marry with a pleasing slide and click – the plastic gadgetry world equivalent of clunking shut the door of the Mercedes saloon.
Here is my first small disappointment. Up until now I’m imagining my 87 year old father where I am. He would have arrived here with few problems. But now, trying to clip the Apple connector to the device, there is a momentary gasp as the male and female don’t immediately hit it off. Perhaps like most early conjoinings of the human kind, there is a bit of trial and error and shoving and scraping before -ah! – the willing partners find their union.
I plug it in. Nothing happens. Oh. Will this be like the router I bought last week? I drove home with the sexy new item in my metaphorical arms, and an expectant grin across my face. Carried her over the threshold, plugged her in — and nothing. Totally unresponsive. An experience we’ve all had. Had to wait a few days for a new model to arrive. And then? Phooarr! What a goer!
So with current form against me, these three or four seconds of appalling nothingness represent an utterly ghastly nightmare. This was worse than being dragged through the bowels of Hades, chained by an ankle to a chariot pulled by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse while giant overhead screens replayed this year’s Champions League Final. Worse? Make that a hundred times worse. A BILLION times worse.
But hold up…
The screen flutters an eyelid. The eye opens.
Er, cancel Hades.
7 comments On Cancel Hades. I buy an iPad.
@MLCMan who you calling a flabby nerd? I resemble that remark.
True enough I may not be quite the wall of solid muscle I’d like to be, but having pouched a virtual PB over the long distance this year I reckon I’m entitled to a bit of down time.
A nerd I shall never be, so long as my knuckle-dragging, Guinness-swilling arse faces the Earth.
@andy good to hear on all counts. Am envious of the Grauniad course, of course. Look forward to hearing all about it.
Now, back to my pie & chips. Belch.
@stillwaddler Hi SW. Well, whether my cash is ‘hard-earned’ is probably a moot point, but moving quickly on… thing is I didn’t have to spend much of it.
Switzerland is famously expensive, but weirdly, this doesn’t include gadgetry. Or perhaps not so weird. No 20% VAT for one thing. Anyway, this item was picked up for a trifling 300 CHF, or about 200 UKP. iPad 2, admittedly, not the newer one, but that didn’t matter.
Hmm. Just deleted the next paragraph as it would be better in a post. Thanks @SW, and apologies in advance to @MLCM — if it ever appears.
Should have saved your hard earned cash – I got a Google nexus 7 3 weeks ago and its gorgeous 🙂 will go on ROC forum soon – promise
@MLCM – There is a middle way. I have been trialling plenty of healthy lifestyle apps…
“Training” would be an exaggeration, but I’m ticking over. I’ve not slipped back to where I was. Gym visits an average of 1.5 a week rather than the 3 my optimistic planning demanded. And weekend walks rather than the runs I’d wanted to get to by now, but it’s under control. The ‘Greifenseelauf’ has given way to the Guardian screenwriting get-together that I’ve always wanted to attend. Same weekend, and I have to be in London anyway for the Monday and Tuesday, so I’ll aim for something else a bit later.
Not as good as I’d hoped, but not as bad as you’d feared.
The iPad, on the other hand….
Look, I have 8 of these random posts sitting in storage from the last few weeks. Just thought I’d put one up. Had to edit the first line which originally started: “I bought an iPad yesterday…” which dates it. I might update it further with “I bought a MacBook Air a couple of weeks ago…” which is also true. But probably too much technology in one hit.
[Hums: “A man needs a maid…”]
Andy
So let me get this right. The RC community is turning from an elite group of fit, fantastic runners to a bunch of flabby nerds throwing their iPads through partition walls?
This is getting seriously weird.
Hurrah! I, too, have parted with moolah for a shiny new mini-monolith (cue 2001 music, an ape rises, tweets, falls back to ground, passes wind)
The new ‘third generation’ iPad is NOT, I am informed by friends who snigger conspiratorily at my ‘Nerdginity’, an iPad3. ‘That’s yet to come’ they warble loftily. ‘You’ve bought an in-betweenie’. Snigger. Or should I say ‘snicker’. According to a recent interweb dust-up ‘snigger’ is an inately racist term. Fnar.
I don’t care, it’s SHINY. AND it has a fantabulous hi-res screen AND I have an app that can download web-based movie clips as files (but not from YouTube). Now I have to invest in a Griffin ‘anti-Sweder’ protective sheath. I have one for my iphone that, allegedly, can take a ‘5 storey drop’. The YouTube promo is hysterical, featuring fat, bearded Americans hurling their handsets down icy roads and through partition walls. Though, sadly, I can’t download it onto my shiny new device …
Hmm. No training then, huh? Maybe Hades does beckon after all?