The first in an occasional series:
The Monday Rant
Baby On Board. No other 3-word phrase in the English language (with the possible exception of “Time gentlemen please”) irritates me more than this one. Although I’m an unusually benign and patient driver, nothing is more likely to transform me into a mass murderer than this diamond-shaped proclamation swinging from the rear window of the clapped-out vehicle in front of me.
Someone explain to me: what does it mean? And don’t say that it means there’s a baby in the car because 9 times out of 10 there isn’t. So it’s a sign that tells me that the car very occasionally contains a baby. Or perhaps that the previous owner of the car had a baby who very occasionally travelled in it. Right, I see. Am I missing something? Why the FUCK should I be interested in this? WHY???
So 90% of the time it’s a damn lie, an utterly meaningless point of misinformation. But let’s concentrate on the 10% of the time that it might be true. Why should I be interested? Should I be? Or is it something altogether more sinister than this? Is it really some kind of instruction? Is it really saying that I should turn my radio down as I overtake in case the sagacious mumblings of Lionel Blue on Thought For The Day might give their child dreadful nightmares? Is that it?
Or perhaps worse, it somehow implies that I’m a reckless driver, and that I should consider reining in my Death Race 2000 instincts as I roar past their car; that I should consider not forcing their car off the road. That were I considering taking a sawn-off from the glove compartment and blasting the goddam driver’s head clean off, that I may want to reconsider because there’s a baby on board?
“On board”? Why “on board”? You get on board a bloody boat, not a bloody car. “My wife boarded the car outside Sainsbury’s and we sailed to the hairdresser’s”. What is this goddam “on board” rubbish?
I come back to my central question: why am I interested in whether someone has a baby in the car? Maybe I should create my own sign: Wife On Board. Or perhaps Half-Eaten Apple On Board. Or best of all, how about Murderous Psychopath On Board Who Doesn’t Give A Toss About Your Fecundity?
