I’m a keen semiologist. Have I mentioned this before?
A sign man.
I just love ’em.
Please do not put cigarette ends, chewing gum, paper towels or similar items into the urinal as it causes blockages. If you have any queries, please call Fiona in Facilities on ext. 5133.
"Hello, is that Fiona?"
"Yes! How can I help?"
"I was calling about the notice in the Gents toilet."
[pause]
"Yes?"
"The one about the chewing gum, cigarette ends, paper towels etc."
"Yes?"
"I have a query about it."
[pause]
"Yes?"
"What’s similar to cigarette ends and chewing gum?"
"What’s similar?"
"Exactly. What’s similar? Paper towels, OK. I suppose that tissues are pretty similar."
"And cotton wool."
"Well yes, I suppose so. But not much of that about in the Gents, regardless of all that stuff about us caring more for our complexions these days. But anyway. Chewing gum and cigarette ends. I just need to be sure I’m on safe ground."
[muffled voice in background: "Keep him talking. Just try to keep him talking…."]
But why invent absurdity, when real life provides more of the real stuff than you could shake a stick at?
Listen up.
On Saturday morning, when getting ready to go out for a run, I realised that I’d left my cap in the hotel room in Leeds. A cap is no big deal perhaps, but this is a special running cap. Bought in Chicago. It says Chicago on it, and 26.2. It’s the second favourite running cap in my entire collection. I didn’t want to lose it, so I called the hotel.
"Hello, this is the Gomersal Park Classic Hotel, bargain weekend breaks a speciality, Natalie [cough] speaking, how can I help you?"
"Hello Natalie, I stayed with you last week…"
"You stayed with me…?
No, I mean I stayed at the hotel last week…"
"Oh…"
"Room 128. And I think I left my cap there."
"Did you?"
"Er, yes, in the room".
[pause]
"Why was it in the room?"
"Why? Well, I like to run, and I take it with me when I go running."
[pause]
"Where did you last see it?"
"I left it hanging on the curtain pole, and forgot about it."
[pause] "Hold on please. I’ll ask the housekeeper."
[Sound of other phone being dialled.]
"Is that Jane…? Jane, did you find a cat in room 128 this morning? Yes, a cat! Why? I don’t know. He says he likes to take it running with him. Running. He last saw it hanging from the curtain pole…"
