World Cup Nonsense

[El Gordo]

I'm waiting for Andy to mail it to me.

That's...[SIZE="6"] I'm waiting for Andy to mail it to me. [/SIZE]

So far nothing's arrived here. Guess he must be suffering from World Cup Fever....

Have I missed something??

[El Gordo]

Come on you Aussies!

Just off to stock up with something red and vinous and Antipodean to help the Footeroos along. (Y'never know, it could catch on.)

[Sweder]

I love the Fiver name (I subscribed yesterday - great fun) -
The SheilaRoos

[El Gordo]

I love the Fiver name (I subscribed yesterday - great fun) -
The SheilaRoos

Hee hee, I like it. Not read the Fiver for a couple of days. Work has intervened. Will catch up later.

Incidentally, I've had one of those shirt-number spreadbets on the Australia-Croatia game. I'll win £1 for every number over 30 on the scoresheet. And lose £1 for every number under 30 .

Stop press: Bad news all round -- Not only have Croatia scored but it was only the number 2 who got it :mad: :mad: . Come on you SheilaRoos!!

[Sweder]

Congratulations!
To the Mighty Aussies . . . you guys just don’t know when you’re beaten.
A real scrap of a match tonight; blood, guts, bodies on the line, fabulous.
Now finish the job and send those conniving, nefarious prima donnas from Italy back to their brown-envelope strewn pizza parlours and soon-to-be Serie B-bound clubs.

Commiserations!
To the BBC exec who will surely be scanning the media rags for a new position having taken the baffling decision to bury the one match tonight that really mattered to the barren wasteland that is BBC 3.

Congratulations!
To Ronaldo, who has equalled Fatty Arbuckle’s World Cup Pie-Eating Record tonight taking his tally to 14 pies in all World Cup matches. His second goal was a wonder strike, and went some way to salvaging his reputation on the biggest stage. That, and I signed him this morning for my Telegraph Fantasy World Cup side . . .

Commiserations!
To Graham Poll, who will surely wake up from his crack-cocaine-fuelled funk to learn that he’s the first ref in the history of the World Cup to have yellow-carded the same player three times in a single match.

Add to that two blatant penalties missed (both in favour of Australia, one a basketball tip-off style handball, the other a fabulous waist-high two-armed tackle on Mark Viduka) and the utter pandemonium surrounding the final whistle and I’ll wager our Graham won’t be planning a trip to Munich on July the ninth. Shame, as before tonight the FIFA stats had the Pollmeister head and shoulders above his fellow whistle-blowers in the race for Cup Final duty.

And finally . . .

. . . Congratulations AND Commiserations to the hero of late night telly, Adrian Chiles.
The Baggie Bird (who I accompanied through mile 14 of the 2005 London Marathon) will be even more melancholy than usual on tonight’s hilights show. His Croatian Mum, who provided our Ade with a bespoke red and white chequered short-order cooks hat, will have needed some consolation this evening.

I’m astounded at Chiles’s spreading influence and infectious enthusiasm.
Not only have the Beeb offered him anchor on The One Show, the soon-to-be-launched successor to the classic Nationwide, he’s also managed to teach the entire army of Croatian supporters to maintain the Baggies ‘Boing Boing’ for 90 minutes. Fabulous.

Let's hope the new role with the Beeb doesn’t lead to embarrassing tabloid headlines as it did for his predecessor, one Frank Bough. . .

[El Gordo]

I’m astounded at Chiles’s spreading influence and infectious enthusiasm.
Not only have the Beeb offered him anchor on The One Show, the soon-to-be-launched successor to the classic Nationwide..........

Awful news. I take it you're not a Working Lunch addict like M and me? Surely he'd have to give up WL to take on this nonsense role as the new Sue Lawley?

Glugging a most agreeable draft of South Australian vino (something called Black Stump), combined with the Sheila/Footeroos' performance had put a smile on my face.

Alas, I am now weeping.

[Nigel]

FAMOUS RIDDLE SOLVED AT LAST

Beleaguered Frankfurter and German Polizeidirektor Herr Juergen Blaer tonight expressed his delight as the longest outstanding missing person mystery in history was unexpectedly solved in darkest Westphalia this evening.

'We've been looking for many years, but just never found it,' said Herr Blaer. Once reputedly sighted in Leeds, and long sought across the redder side of Liverpool's Sefton Park, it was quite a surprise when at last a 'meaningful and significant' discovery was made in Dortmund tonight.

'Eh, magich, amigos, we've found it, so get the bevies in,' said Senor Raffia Bineatin' from his Hoylake bunker.

'For many years the British public had been systematically deluded. We all believed that Harry Kewell was an underachieving and untalented whinger,' agreed Herr Reinhard Knie, coach of Borussia Munchiesgladback. 'It had been widely believed that his motivation was lost somewhere south of the equator some years ago.'

We can now reveal that Herr Kuehl is indeed one of the most talented, inspirational and hard-working players anywhere, capable of lifting his team and country to new levels of achievement almost single-handedly.

'The niño's done good, precisely because the Aussies don't watch football so they don't realise how crap he can be and how little he tries in almost every other game he plays,' said BBC pundit Lawro Fixalotto, speaking from Italy this evening.

Reactions continued to pour in from across Greater Germany tonight. 'Thank God we've found that work ethic at long last, said Liverpool and England's new Swedish captain Steven-Gerhard Kontraktsjon from the team camp in Stalagluft Berchtesbadenbaden. 'I'll give 'im a good kichin' nechst time we're at Anfield,' continued Saint Stevie.


Official Correction: Harry Kewell is in fact one of the greatest players to grace the English Premiership in living memory. We apologise unreservedly for all his sincere and protracted efforts to create the opposite impression throughout all his time over here.

'You're a bloody Aussie hero, mate,' crowed former Wimbledon FC Captain and Aussie Socceroo expert Lord Patrick Cash of Plough Lane in commending tonight's incredible discovery.

(More pure drivel showing now on ITV's World Cuppa, long after you've all switched off the telly).

[Mid Life Crisis Marathon Man]

Congratulations!
To the Mighty Aussies . . . you guys just don’t know when you’re beaten.
A real scrap of a match tonight; blood, guts, bodies on the line, fabulous.
Now finish the job and send those conniving, nefarious prima donnas from Italy back to their brown-envelope strewn pizza parlours and soon-to-be Seria B-bound clubs.. . .

There's some incentive actually - if we beat Italy, then we have real chance of meeting Spain in the quarters. Now that would be a physical match. There's been no love lost between Spain and Australia (in fact we nearly declared war) ever since the utterly disgraceful behaviour by the Spaniards in a certain Davis Cup final (the fact that Spain won has no bearing on the matter)...

Um, one question Sweder - what's the reference to brown-envelopes all about then?

[Mid Life Crisis Marathon Man]

Incidentally, I've had one of those shirt-number spreadbets on the Australia-Croatia game. I'll win £1 for every number over 30 on the scoresheet. And lose £1 for every number under 30 .

Stop press: Bad news all round -- Not only have Croatia scored but it was only the number 2 who got it :mad: :mad: . Come on you SheilaRoos!!

Hey you did alright after that though Andy - numbers 38, 56 and 78. Nice one Centurion, like it, like it.

On the question of renaming the Socceroos - I guess you're being deliberately rude, which I of course understand and highly approve of, but I would hate to see you wander drunkenly in or out of some pub somewhere yelling "Come on you Sheilaroos" - you'd stand a good chance of being not-so-ritually disembowelled by an irate Aussie if there one about. It's a bit like calling you a Thatcherite - not nice, and not something I'd say aloud in public.

If you want to rename them, given your apparent affection for boomerangs, and the teams likely demise in the next round or so, how about the "Alsorangs"? Now that could get me disembowelled...

[Sweder]

Um, one question Sweder - what's the reference to brown-envelopes all about then?

Long story short MLCMan . . . the Italian inquiry into match-fixing announced that four top teams in Serie A are threatened with instant relegation with individuals facing a jail term for paying off referees and general collusion.

More in depth at http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football...993482.stm

I have no faith in the 'Italian Justice System' - sounds like an oxymoron to me - and have little doubt that following some deft political manoeuvring not very much will happen to a small bunch of inconsequential peeons.

Oh yes, and the announcement by the investigating team was made an hour after the final whistle yesterday afternoon. Perhaps an appropriate gesture for the next match would be replacing the usual pennant with an A4 Conqueror stuffed with stacks of old newspaper . . .

Come on you Didgeridoos!

[Sweder]

BTW, there's an alarming amount of goodwill towards the Aussies floating about over here at the moment. This will of course vanish like FIFA hospitality tickets when England meet Australia in Munich on July 9th . . .


OK, I know . . . but how cool would that be . . .

[Mid Life Crisis Marathon Man]

BTW, there's an alarming amount of goodwill towards the Aussies floating about over here at the moment. This will of course vanish like FIFA hospitality tickets when England meet Australia in Munich on July 9th . . .


OK, I know . . . but how cool would that be . . .

...which would be the first time ever that you played an Aussie team sporting English accents!

[MickCollins]

I would like, for my part, to congratulate Graham Poll, on one of the great comedy performances in World Cup history.

A splendid night for those of us scrambling around for stories. The Aussies creep through in a game with dodgy goals, disallowed goals, too many yellow cards to go round, too few reds, and a glut of finger wagging and prissy gesturing from the man from Tring. If you can get a spread bet on his air miles, I'd say get in there quick, because they will be increasing by several hundred in the next day or so.

Elsewhere, the fattest man in world football scored twice for Brazil without breaking into a jog, in a victory so straightforward, Roberto Carlos nodded off in the dugout in the second half. Elsewhere, Ghana defeated the Great Satan ™ armed only with some terrifying tackling and the diving ability of Chris Snode (remember him?), while the Czechs, frankly, bounced.

The man from the Sunday Times had a fight with the man from the Express on a German train, and we all tried to cobble together stories about how difficult the ball is to save, on account of the Japanese keeper's sudden inability to hurl himself even vaguely in the right direction after his half time cup of tea.

Oh, and Mr Rosicky, who looked like a star buy a week ago, suddenly looks like a dead duck, and Arsene probably wants his money back. England have too many midfielders and too few strikers, but then there's only one person in the country who didn't know that, and Beckham, Cole, Crouch and Campbell are playing like muppets. As for Lampard, if he keeps having 37 shots a match, he might get one on target by about the 10th July, by which time it will all be too late.

We've still got Brazil v Ghana and the Aussies v Italy in the knock out to come, and Togo and France tonight could see the fair play league take another good kicking.

All of which combined makes this, in my ever so humble opinion, just about the best World Cup there's ever been...

[Sweder]

All of which combined makes this, in my ever so humble opinion, just about the best World Cup there's ever been...

Amen to that, brother
I'm worried about next week's inevitable Cold Turkey as we start to get - gulp - GAPS between match days . . .

[Sweder]

Awful news. I take it you're not a Working Lunch addict like M and me?

Not sure . . . I don't see WL as . . .er . . . it's on at lunchtime (when I'm at work). ACs worth watching in most things but it's his honesty and the familiar blend of the football fan's naivety, anxiety and desperate hope that adheres him to the late-night MotD armchair-dwellers. Long may he prosper.

[Seafront Plodder]

Am I the only person who thinks that the quality of presenting and commentating by both channels, especially the Beeb has been awful?

John Motson should have been put out to pasture yrs ago - he is just rubbish and I'm fed up with the Beeb treating him as a legend.

Gary Lineker is just a smug tosser and spends his time pallying up with Hansen and his golf buddies. Ian Wright is at least a proud englishman but talks a load of rubbish. Shearer is just dull - Can't the Beeb find some decent English summarisers - Hansen (so repetitive), Strachan (bit better) & O'Neill (has he got alzheimers?) are all Celts and Leonardo is some sort of quasi David Ginola replacement who the rest of them spend their whole time sucking up to like a bunch of sycophantic schoolchildren. (Aren't Brazil so wonderful?)

Adrian Chiles is the best presenter they have.

And as for ITV they are full of Welsh and (pseudo) Irish but we don't have to listen to them so much as they 'go to a break' at every possible moment. At keast they had Pearce, Venables and Allardyce - all Englishmen for the Sweden game

Finally can someone tell me why leSaux got kicked off Beeb just before World Cup - who did he upset?



p.s. Funny comment I read somewhere (was it here?) Isn't Mick McCarthy the most northern man in the world?

[Sweder]

Finally can someone tell me why leSaux got kicked off Beeb just before World Cup - who did he upset?

Me for one. Talk about your has-been/ never-was . . .
Known as a 'thinking man's footballer' because he reads the Grauniad . . . please.

p.s. Funny comment I read somewhere (was it here?) Isn't Mick McCarthy the most northern man in the world?

Yep, that was here.

Personally I don't mind the boy Lineker.
Yes, he's smug and he does pally up with Hansen and Co, but he did at least play for England, score against Germany in a World Cup semi-final and he has bigger ears than me, so he can't be all bad.

O'Neil would be OK if he could ever finish a thought - he seems to have a touch of that dreadful pundits disease, the Rambling Schmiechels.

Leonardo may well be there as eye candy for the footie widows, but he also played for Brazil in the World Cup a few times. His interview with Big Phil Scholari was insightful and pretty much a scoop.

Strachan is excellent - I won't have a word said against the spiky Ginger wizard. More of him with Chiles on the late night show, please.

As for ITV . . . Stuart Pearce has integrity but I wish he was in the dressing room instead of the studio - he'd light a fire under our overpaid, out of touch prima donas.

Gabby's nice to look at but Steve Rider . . .

[SIZE="4"]For the love of God[/SIZE] this man is not a football anchor! I mean, the bloke wears a tie . . . everyone knows you don't wear a tie for footie! Ask Allie or Andy, the glove-puppets who make me yearn for the silent brilliance of Sootie and Sweep. And anyway, he’s not even a bloke. Rider was bred for The Masters – the sooner everyone gets together and sorts that out the better. He looks about as comfortable as Gordon Brown at a CND Rally, squished into his inadequate chair next to the looming rock face that is Big Sam Allerdyce. The venerable Venables is as articulate as John Prescott after an all-nighter – I have no idea how he managed to communicate clear tactical instructions to his players.

Perfect panel?
Chiles (chairman), Pearce, Strachan, O’Neil (after brevity lessons)
Sub: Hansen

[El Gordo]

Not sure . . . I don't see WL as . . .er . . . it's on at lunchtime (when I'm at work).

We chanced across a marvellous gadget some time ago that actually records a programme on the television when you're not there.

[El Gordo]

Am I the only person who thinks that the quality of presenting and commentating by both channels, especially the Beeb has been awful?

Agree. I find the ITV coverage particularly bad.

Much as my instincts tell me to despise all ex-Chelsea players (unless they've gone on to shine at their classier West London neighbours e.g. Peacock, Furlong, Wilkins, Venables... but I digress), I have to say that I quite enjoy Le Saux's contributions. I'd not noticed his absence until you mentioned it. Yes, a bit odd.

Overall, I don't mind the Beeb coverage though Ian Wright annoys me. The ITV lot though are pretty dire. Steve Rider? As Sweder says, what an anchor.

At least with the Beeb you can hit the fabled red button and listen to the 5 Live commentary featuring, ideally, the legendary Alan Green ranting at the moon.

[Sweder]

We chanced across a marvellous gadget some time ago that actually records a programme on the television when you're not there.

You have time to watch recorded TV as well as live footie???
You must have a TARDIS




[SIZE="1"]Actually I've never been able to work a video recorder.
I attended VCR Wankers Annonymous - 'My name's Sweder, and I don't know how to use a video recorder'.
It was cathartic but I remain in the dark [/SIZE]