World Cup Nonsense

[Nigel]

FAMOUS RIDDLE SOLVED AT LAST

Beleaguered Frankfurter and German Polizeidirektor Herr Juergen Blaer tonight expressed his delight as the longest outstanding missing person mystery in history was unexpectedly solved in darkest Westphalia this evening.

'We've been looking for many years, but just never found it,' said Herr Blaer. Once reputedly sighted in Leeds, and long sought across the redder side of Liverpool's Sefton Park, it was quite a surprise when at last a 'meaningful and significant' discovery was made in Dortmund tonight.

'Eh, magich, amigos, we've found it, so get the bevies in,' said Senor Raffia Bineatin' from his Hoylake bunker.

'For many years the British public had been systematically deluded. We all believed that Harry Kewell was an underachieving and untalented whinger,' agreed Herr Reinhard Knie, coach of Borussia Munchiesgladback. 'It had been widely believed that his motivation was lost somewhere south of the equator some years ago.'

We can now reveal that Herr Kuehl is indeed one of the most talented, inspirational and hard-working players anywhere, capable of lifting his team and country to new levels of achievement almost single-handedly.

'The niño's done good, precisely because the Aussies don't watch football so they don't realise how crap he can be and how little he tries in almost every other game he plays,' said BBC pundit Lawro Fixalotto, speaking from Italy this evening.

Reactions continued to pour in from across Greater Germany tonight. 'Thank God we've found that work ethic at long last, said Liverpool and England's new Swedish captain Steven-Gerhard Kontraktsjon from the team camp in Stalagluft Berchtesbadenbaden. 'I'll give 'im a good kichin' nechst time we're at Anfield,' continued Saint Stevie.


Official Correction: Harry Kewell is in fact one of the greatest players to grace the English Premiership in living memory. We apologise unreservedly for all his sincere and protracted efforts to create the opposite impression throughout all his time over here.

'You're a bloody Aussie hero, mate,' crowed former Wimbledon FC Captain and Aussie Socceroo expert Lord Patrick Cash of Plough Lane in commending tonight's incredible discovery.

(More pure drivel showing now on ITV's World Cuppa, long after you've all switched off the telly).